animals · birds · Nature · Short story

As The Crow Flies

Amy 
To go as the crow flies is to take the most direct route somewhere. Going as the crow flies is the shortest path between two points.

This expression has to do with traveling—in a very specific way. If you travel as the crow flies, you've gone somewhere as quickly and directly as possible. A shortcut is a good way to go as the crow flies. A direct airplane flight with no transfers is another way to go as the crow flies. When you think of this term, imagine a bird flying in a straight line from point A to point B.

I moved to the state I live in now when I was just turning seven. For reasons, Mom and I were graciously taken in by family members who lived one state away from our previous home. It wasn’t terribly far, but to a six-year-old, an hour-long car ride seems like a great distance to travel.

From there, Mom and I moved across a two-lane highway – which is now a four-lane highway – to an apartment complex. We lived there for seven years.

Mom found her final home in a neighborhood she admired for years and would drive through on her way to pick me up from my friend’s house.

I just realized the other day, that if you plot all three of these points of residence on a map, the triangle is very small. In fact, I determined that the distance from Point A to Point B to Point C forms a very small triangle, with each arm of the triangle being about 300m. 300m translates to 0.186 miles.

Some people may think this is incredibly isolating and not very worldly, but it was entirely coincidental and not planned, as far as I know. And since I didn’t even realize it until a few days ago, I guess it could be a statement about how much I like my neighborhood and my surroundings.

You guys know Jerome, right? He’s my crow. Well, it’s more true to form to say that he is my nemesis. He is the crow that’s mad at me for eternity because I wouldn’t let him put his dirty bagels and french fries in the birdbath. He and his friends and family caw at me as I’m walking in the neighborhood. If I’m at the local pharmacy and strip mall, they’ll do it there, too. They somehow know when to show up. If I walk out of my house and Jerome starts cawing from somewhere far enough away that I can’t see him, but close enough that I can hear him, I know I’m in for quite a mouthful. Other people have crows bring them money and shiny objects. Jerome has given me intergenerational hatred. I would prefer money or shiny objects, at the very least.

This is not Jerome. But Jerome would do this: join a gang of crows and become violent against ravens and also me, most likely

“I hear you, Jerome! Good morning to you, too!” I say loudly. I’m sure my neighbors think I’m crazy, but that crow and I have beef. I wonder how old Jerome is, and how long he’s been watching me. Maybe his great-grandfather, grandfather and father saw me at Points A and B. Point C is Jerome’s territory now, as the crows fly.

This guy is getting paid CASH by crows!

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Published by Amy

I love words. And animals. Photography and fedoras. Welcome. And stay awhile.

81 thoughts on “As The Crow Flies”

    1. It’s only fair, right? Jerome will never pay me. And he will tell all of his children, and they’ll tell their children and all of their friends, and I’ll never get any money from them nor any shiny objects😩😂.

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    1. That’s awesome Siri! I think I’ve gone beyond being able to leave ribbons. I forgot to mention I also put aluminum foil up to scare them away from the birdbath, so no hope for me and my crows 😂

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    1. Your client has violated the terms and conditions of the court’s mandated cease-and-desist of defamation in public places, on private property and from the sky. 🤨

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      2. Criminal defense attorneys are all the same, pretending they don’t know about the court mandates (Hold on. I’m hearing the Law and Order theme in my head right now. OK, it’s gone.) as I was saying, criminal defense, attorneys will say anything to protect their shameful clients🙄

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Clearly, you have mistaken me for some poorly dressed shyster who advertises on the side of the bus.
        I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday, Amy.

        If that’s who you really are. 🙄

        As I was saying.
        Paragraph 13.1, section 17, subsection 21.2, clearly states that no cease and desist can be issued without the clear consent of the court of law, which you, Amy(?), clearly never bothered to obtain.
        You cannot just order one in pink off Amazon and expect it to hold any water in a true, legal venue.
        Maybe you should stop cavorting around pretending your Mariska Hargitay and go consult Matlock or Perry Mason instead.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. My client’s fees are not your business, ma’am.
        Not yet, at least. You will know the full amount when my client is awarded a settlement for mental anguish and legal fees that your undue harassment has caused.
        I will, however tell you that I do not come cheap. Quality costs money.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Oh, so like 30 ribbons, a few rocks – maybe fool’s gold – previously mentioned marbles, previously mentioned paper money, coins, and let’s throw in a stale bagel. Does that sound about right?

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      7. “Amy”. Again, I must stress to you that my financial arrangement with Mr. Jerome “Salt of the Earth” Crow, is really not any of your concern at this point in time.

        If you continue with the completely unwarranted attack on me and my client, I will be forced to file a motion to have you banned from the proceedings and judgement rendered in absentia.
        This is clearly a case of slander and contempt. I suggest you stop before you dig yourself a deeper hole.

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      11. As you wish.
        Things will go much smoother and you will be notified via certified mail of any penalties and settlement payments you are required to disburse.

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      24. Your client was outside harassing me for two hours while I performed manual labor and constructed my own brick flower bed wall. I almost took my phone out to record his hi jinx, but I couldn’t touch my phone because my hands were filthy. Tell your client to leave me alone!

        Liked by 1 person

      25. My client was concerned for his safety as he claims you threatened him when he tried to say hello. Perhaps you don’t understand the language of crow as well as you imply?
        Seems to be a miscommunication is all.
        🤔

        Liked by 1 person

      26. Your client had the whole neighborhood on alert. All of the starlings were chirping, the squirrels were squawking their warning call, and everyone was very upset because when your client comes around during baby season, he steals baby birds out of nests and eats them. Keep your client away! 😑

        Liked by 1 person

      27. In his best interest I will advise him to do so, but I cannot guarantee anything.

        On a side note is this really the same bird, or just one of many?

        Liked by 1 person

      28. It’s him. He has a wife and one child. He had another child, but it’s no longer here and I think it died of bird flu a couple years ago. A group of crows is called a murder, and they basically stay in the same neighborhood where they were born. In urban areas this is 10 acres. In suburban areas like where I live, it’s a little bit of a larger territory.

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      30. My mom knew a little and told me about it. Essentially crows are birds of prey and when they’re around, they make everyone nervous. Other birds and the squirrels chirp and squawk and squeak as a warning for everyone else. The squirrels take part because they’re not immune. Crows are very smart and I do appreciate them, but I don’t want them around. They do eat babies and most other birds won’t come around if there are crows. There’s a reason why there are scarecrows. 😊

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      32. They do go after crops. They eat anything, which is why no one really wants them around. if you don’t have any other concerns in your yard, then make friends with crows. But if you have crops and animals that you like to see around your yard, don’t make friends with crows

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      41. Again. Public spaces and freedom of speech. And the unfortunate truth that other than your “good word”, we have no proof that my client was even talking to you.
        I have already put forth a motion to dismiss this case and stop wasting the courts time.

        I have also filed a countersuit against you, “Amy”, or whatever alias you are using these days.

        Liked by 1 person

      45. The court of public opinion has no bearing on this case. And I will challenge any bogus postings you make and launch a full investigation to ensure the video has not been doctored in any way to disparage my defenseless client.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I enjoyed your post. A lot 👍 I read somewhere, not only are crows very intelligent, but they have a forever memory. If you cross them once, they’ll be resentful until Kingdom come. But I think you have everything under control 😊

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